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  • Writer's pictureJafei Pollitt

How to Not Fuck Yourself Over when you’ve found the Right Coffee Shop

I’ll break it down for you in some simple steps because nobody wants to read seven paragraphs on this topic and frankly if I wrote that much on this I would be a little ashamed I did that as opposed to maybe reading a book or doing something productive like vaping in my room until I fall asleep with E-Juice spilling on my face.

So…first step:

  1. First and foremost you need to walk into that joint and claim your throne. The first pliable seat you can find with an outlet is now your designated area for where you will write useless lists on how to go about being in your favorite coffee shop.

  2. Make sure you never actually know the Baristas. Become a regular, but never become a friendly regular. Act like you’re seeing them for the first time every time you walk in and they will do the same because sometimes they are shits and don’t care about you or coffee.

  3. Find one of the hot hipster guys in the cafe and spend your entire hour and a half there trying to get him to look at you. I found spilling an entire cup of coffee on the ground very effective and you can look innocent as the woman behind the counter grabs a mop and cleans up.

  4. Listen in on other’s conversations and feel free to interject whenever it seems necessary. Especially when they’re talking about controversial subjects such as: “How much can you drink at a party?” or “Are those Adida’s?” or even “I killed a man.”

  5. Feel free to tell the staff their choice of music sucks.

  6. Take that sharpie you brought along with you and apply your artistic critique right onto the new-age art along the walls.

  7. Steal the syrups because they didn’t make your latte hazelnutty enough and you didn’t pay $4.57 for a cup of foamy shit.

  8. Tell them the coffee’s shit.

  9. Tell them they’re shit.

  10. And finally take a shit. Do not leave that coffee shop without leaving a lasting essence of you in the bathroom.

Follow these simple guidelines and I guarantee you that you will not fuck yourself out of a great coffee shop where you can do mindless work and check Facebook every three minutes, but still go home and think you’ve done something productive with your day.

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