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  • Writer's pictureJafei Pollitt

It’s Fall and You Know What That Means…

It’s time for Pumpkin Spice seasonal depression.

Let’s bring in this spooky season with some spooky thoughts!

“What are you going to do with your life?”, “You have no friends,” “You’re never going to have a stable income,” “You’ll probably die alone,” and “Stop romanticizing Remmy from the Ratatouille movie.”

These are a few of my favorites.

You know- nothing is as festive as your inner voice trying to bring you down into the pits of despair and self-loathing. So, put away those over-priced, robotic zombies with half their bodies missing and arms pulling themselves towards you because I’ve got something much worse: no self-confidence!

You thought you were scared when you went into that haunted house and that man tried to catch you with his chainsaw and poorly done horror makeup, but wait until you get back home and find yourself pacing from one realization to the next that you don’t know what you really need to be doing in this life and if you’ll ever be worth noting to your future great, great grandkids.

Now, that’s a real fright!

IT? doesn’t faze me. The Shining? yeah right. Seeing others my age succeed and thinking that time is rushing past me and I might die accidentally in my 30s? I’ve already peed my pants.

See, the one upside to seasonal depression is it makes all the blood and guts and headless horsemen seem mundane. You can’t really be scared of anything because you’ve already realized it’s all pointless and we’re all on a small floating pebble in a black vacuum with no real answers to anything.

It’s also self-diagnosable (or that’s what Wikipedia told me) so I don’t need a second opinion or a note from a doctor to allow myself to overthink and do some research on the deep, dark web.

I learned that the correct clinical term is Seasonal Affect Disorder or SAD. So, I’ve been telling people in a vague and uninteresting manner that “I’m sad.” Which either leads people to try and awkwardly comfort me or slowly back away and hope we can all forget what happened.

And, luckily, WebMD told me I’ll probably die from it, which is such a trend now amongst us millennials. So, I’ll be all the rage by the end of fall when my hashtags start trending on Twitter: #LuckyGirl #Iwannadietoo #lol

To all those wishing to have a spooky, scary, and undeniably unnerving Halloween, I suggest you turn yourself over to seasonal depression. You can try to run, but you can’t hide from yourself! (insert GIF of me cackling and vaping).

Happy Halloween!

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