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  • Writer's pictureJafei Pollitt

The “Mom” friend

Let me tell you what I don’t like, parental authority.

Let me tell you what I especially don’t like; when my friend tries to be my mom.

We all know her, we all get slightly aggravated by her when she tries to play up her Mom card a little too much, and we all let her stay to clean up after parties because she insists. We’ve all said many a “thanks mooooooooom” to her in an attempt to be ironic, but also increasingly uncomfortable and slowly depressing our mommy issues onto our friend so we won’t have to admit we need to see a therapist. I hate this friend, and you know why?

because I am this friend.


I am the one who gets up before everyone else at a sleepover to prepare breakfast, I am the one who will walk my friends to their dorm to make sure they are safe and cozy so mommy doesn’t have to worry about them dying from a street murderer. I am the one who has Ibuprofen on tap and the one who knows how to french braid my little girl’s hair so she doesn’t get it in her peas and carrots.

I hate myself. Especially my mom self, because this stage in my life is supposed to be far in the future and the fact that I’m already burning through my MomEnergy™ shows that by the time I pop one of my own out, I’ll be so burned out they’ll end up being raised by their father. And that is NOT a safe option.

Not saying men aren’t great parents, they are. My dad is really cool, smart, and incredibly distant…

but still cool!

I just know I’ll be marrying the kind of guy who will want to give his kid a beer for their tenth birthday and show him how to self-cut their hair. I’m going to be marrying the guy who took a road trip around New Mexico instead of going to college and tried to make a piece of art out of his own toenails. The kind of guy who tries to contemplate life and the stars, but has no actual knowledge of anything at all. He’ll be a walking cliche.  I think everyone is with me in saying my husband probably shouldn’t even talk to the kid. I don’t need my child living with me for more than the eighteen years I bargained for and turning my basement into a D&D nightmare, so I need to stop this “mom” friend in its tracks.

If you or anyone you know suffers from “Mom” friend, seek immediate help. This can greatly affect the future of America. 1 in 5 children are destined to be “Mom” friends; they expel most of their MomEnergy™ in their young years and when it’s time to educate and nurture the new generation, most of them will have turned into rotting sacks of nothing that let their children run rampage and depend upon their “mom friends.” The cycle will continue until eventually there are no more real moms, only women who have turned into Dads.

Don’t let Dad raise the kids.

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