They’re annoying, they’re mean, and they think they’re cooler than you. Sisters are the backbone to any girls life. They help remind us that we aren’t crazy for stalking our exes Tumblr account and they keep us from maintaining a healthy lifestyle by letting us shove cigarettes in our faces and enabling us to drink until we can’t walk. Sisters are there in your time of need. They cry when you cry and they accidently call you right when you’re in the middle of masturbating throwing off your whole mood and destroying any future sex drive you’re ever going to have. They know what ticks you off and they know what makes you smile. They’re just as selfish and loving as you are, but with better hair.
I have two sisters, Mei Mei and Danara. I’m the youngest, Mei Mei’s the middle child, and Danara is the oldest. We’re all emotionally unstable in our own ways. Mei Mei likes to cry every day, I’m emotionally inept, and Danara hitchhiked her way to burning man and did coke. However, we are all ugly in the same way. We all have what is known as the “no chin.” It’s a rare medical case that affects everyone in “Bob’s Burgers”, a couple of other Asian people, and Napoleon Dynomite. It’s basically when your chin decides to connect itself straight to your neck giving you no jaw line to speak of. I know you’ve met people with this same defect and you could never really pinpoint what it was about them that made you a little uncomfortable. Well, now the secret is out to what makes losers look like losers. We’ve all made a small pact that when we have raised $50,000 for each of us, we’ll go out to L.A and get our turkey necks laserly sucked back to where they belong. We’re shooting for 2090 given that Mei Mei and I are both struggling actors while Danara is a social worker who just bought a new house. We’re going to need time to get the money.
But, other than our turkey necks, we are perfectly normal people. We are all average weight and we’re all in the consistent behaviour of telling ourselves we’re fat; like every healthy, American woman should do. The main differences between us is our hair and the fact that Danara is the only one who looks Chinese even when she’s Mongolian. Let me preface this a little. Both Mei Mei and I are from the same mom while Danara is from a different mom. Same Dad. Different Mom. The only relation we have to each other is through my Dad’s insignificant contribution to our birth. My Dad is as white as Trump’s policies while my mother is half Chinese and Danara’s mother is Mongolian. We all, somehow, ended up with that dreaded “no neck” syndrome even when there were two pools of genetics to try and escape it. Both of my sisters, however, have nicer hair than me. And to be frank, that really pisses me off.
How am I the one who gets the short end of the stick? Mei Mei’s hair is luscious and curly while Danara’s is evenly straight. I have to have the constant day to day struggle of either crunchy, hay hair that looks like I belong in a barn or the “put it in a bun and hope no one calls you out on how eggshaped your head is” look.
I do, consequently, have the nicest boobs. It wasn’t always like this, but once Danara had her second kid she was knocked down from her throne and I took the proper title of “Nicest tits in the family.” Mei Mei almost took me out of the running, but I soon beat her out by eating a lot of fast food and putting all my energy into thinking “Make that McDonald’s Cheeseburger count where it matters, make that McDonald’s cheeseburger count where it matters!” I’m not one for meditation, but I have to say that this really worked for me. I went from a 32A to a 34B in less than a year. Progress is simple, yet effective.
Aside from the constant physical comparisons I make between the three of us (like a good, stable sister does) I have realised that we are all very smart, but I’m definitely the funniest. There is no one in my family as funny as I am. And sadly that’s not saying much because my family, in general, is very droll and business like. Sometimes I feel like dinner is more of a board meeting than a family gathering. When they do decide to be funny, It’s mostly a lot of slightly racist, Christian dad jokes and wine mom banter. Danara was funny at one point in her young-adult life, but now that she has two kids and a house she’s turning to more parent humour and I’m not ready to accept her new fate. Mei Mei is funny…when she cries. But, I’m funny because I’m actually funny. Like funny to the point where I’m spending money to go to college to learn how to put my cleverness to use . I have a lot of confidence in myself when I probably shouldn’t, but I’m going to live out this fantasy until I realise I have to pay back my student loans and can’t find a sustainable job.
Where did my wit and humorous behaviour come from? I have No. Fucking. Clue.
If you met my family and then tried to guess what kind of person I would be you would assume I would be another boring valley girl who spends too much time looking in the mirror and trying to get a lot of dick. Which isn’t untrue, but it’s not the whole story. I have a personality. A very mean-spirited, but an endearing personality that comes across to people as “amusing” and “clever.” To let you in on the secret to my talents: I’m actually just a basic, fake bitch who can get away with a lot because she went to a drama school and learned how to give and take with her pettiness. I didn’t learn how to be pricelessly entertaining through genetics, I learned from restraining myself from telling people how much I disliked them and what in specific I didn’t like about them. I’m really good at pinpointing what will make somebody cry. I learned from years of experience with Mei Mei, but I also learned how to pull it back so that I’ll still have friends and people will talk to me.
Right now, however, the only person who will talk to me in my family is Mei Mei. Not by choice, it’s just that she’s the only one who will answer my phone calls without an excuse like “I’m making dinner,” or “I’m on my morning walk,” or “I’m on the toilet, honey.” (In case you didn’t pick up on it, these are all excuses given to me by my mother.) It’s nice to have her around and to have her support; It’s even nicer to make her cry before I hang up. It lets me know I still got it.
I love my sisters and I love my family. And I love how much funnier I am than everyone and how I have the best body due to my slowly declining metabolism. Right now I would say I’m the hottest, most successful one out of the three of us. But I have no doubt that in three years when I’m out of college and I can’t fit into my jeans anymore, the order of our sisterly hierarchy will change.