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  • Writer's pictureJafei Pollitt

What I’ve Learned so Far

  1. Don’t smoke weed with strangers on a bridge. You will become paranoid and you will want to call your mom. Don’t get drunk with them, either. Because then you will really  want to call your mom.  

  2. Don’t call your mom; don’t cave in first.

  3. Be nice to people. They may be assholes, but be nice.

  4. Get yourself together. It’s never too early to start.

  5. Find your fish; I met Benny a week into school and we’ve been living happily together since. A lot of people say don’t share an apartment while you’re young, but my Betta and I are swimming along great.

  6. Don’t forget about your nephew’s birthday present just because you’re four states apart. Sorry, Bodi, maybe for your 9th I’ll get you that overpriced pack of Pokemon cards you vaguely asked for.

  7. If your roommate is asleep and you just walked in, be quiet. I don’t care how disoriented you are; brush your teeth and get in bed.

  8. Don’t vote for Trump. Also, watch the debate with friends because nobody wants to sit alone in their dorm for three hours while Anderson Cooper meekly tells the candidates that their time is up.

  9. Say you’re “a social smoker” to the people who tell you you’re going to die after stealing a few here and there every two weeks. I know it’s bad for me. I’ll deal with it when I deal with it, capeesh?

  10. Respect your body, love yourself, blah, blah, blah, but above all do not, and I mean DO NOT let your pubes sit in the shower. Better yet, do NOT let your boyfriends’ pubes rest in the shower. I can do the whole “Let’s not clean the bathroom until there’s puss growing out of the walls,” but as soon as there’s a pube on the shower curtain (a particularly long, black pube) then that bathroom becomes the center for disease and I’m washing myself in the public stalls down by the park so I don’t catch something.

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