• Jafei Pollitt

Five Ways to Fart in Class

We all do it. We all indulge ourselves in the meatball footlong from Subway or the double-cheeseburger from Mcdonalds or even just chowing down on a stick of butter. And what is the outcome? A rumbling tummy and gas that has somewhere to go.

And what happens when we have to release silent death in one of our classes? How do we, as a people, put the blame on someone else or let it out in small enough dosages that it doesn’t completely kill everyone?

Here are five ways to fart in the classroom that will either get you off the hook or, at least, keep you from gassing the entire class.

  1. The Shifter: A great maneuver tactic to get your bowels to retreat for a second. This method happens right when everything is about to erupt. You can’t resist internally anymore and so you shift a little in your seat; keep in mind this method requires you to shift every five to ten minutes and you won’t be able to keep it all kept up, but you will notice that the disdainful look from your peers will reduce into more of a “rub the finger with the nose” or the “cover nose as if interested in what the teacher has to say, but actually because I might pass out if I don’t do this.”

  2. The Bathroom Runner: This method will undeniably save you from fart embarrassment, but it won’t save you from everyone thinking you have irritable bowel syndrome. If you know the winds of your butt will be too overbearing to hold in and too strong to pass the blame, this is your best option. Sure, you’ll be disturbing the class everytime you get up, but at least you won’t be scarring the people next to you.

  3. The Denier: A great way to pass the blame. Simply fart (silently of course), place your hand up to your face and move your first finger back and forth on your nostrils to indicate that, you too, smell the atrocity and you’re just as disgusted as everyone else. It’s like being a double agent for yourself. Keep in mind this may backfire on you as this method has been commonly used and was discovered fairly long ago; you may fool no one. You may fool everyone.

  4. The Class-Ditcher: Just as it sounds, this way requires you to ditch class. The benefits are you can lay in your bed and sit in your own filth and smell without a care in the world. The repercussions are you’ll miss a class you paid at least $3,000 to attend, but it could be worth it if you know that you’re crush is in that class and if they see you in such a state, they may never look you in the eye again.

  5. Games-up: The last solution and possibly the most intense. Listen, you’ve been gulping down cheese-steaks every Wednesday before this class. You don’t know how it happened, but now it’s sort of a habit. And every single time you go into this class, you need to expel the rancid ghost inside of you. It’s time to take responsibility. And, hopefully, once you own up to it, you’ll experience a freedom the rest of us haven’t felt. They can give you dirty looks, they can mock you, they can kick you out of the class, but they’ll never take your pride.

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